colourbook

I feel SO restless.

It's hard not having anything exciting and fun to look forward to. Instead I'm trying to get the puzzle of life together, with work, money, friends and love.
Now, it seems to work quite fine actually.

But when I relax, I can feel it.. "The itch".
Don't know how to scratch back, actually, or how to make it go away. Come to think of it.. I actually don't want it to go away. I need that itch. I just need to "scratch" it, in a less.. hmm.. destructive way, than before.

In retrospect, I can see that I behaved badly. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
It was a high price to pay, not only for me, to get a hard lesson.

I just fear that my "past adventures" made my itch even heavier to get rid of. 

I need to slow down, and breathe.. and scratch... carefully.

Looking back, at the past year, almost takes my breath away.
Most people that get to hear about it gets the same reaction, actually.
Sometimes I think for a second, that maybe.. I dreamt it.

I feel lonely.
I do.
And its hard to admit it.
Especially when I'm not alone, most of the time.

I breaks me down though, when I realize that not being "single" anymore is not the same way as not being a "single mom". Cause I am. In that sense, I really am.
And that fact, is a sharp thorn in my side.

I am a "single mom" 50 % of the time, and a girlfriend the rest of the time. I find it hard to combine them.

I don't know how to make someone to want to be with me, and Lo. Cause I don't want to ask for that. I just want it to be that way. That there is an interest, in doing "family things" with us.
Together.

Maybe I'm asking for too much, too soon. But in tis matter, it's hard, being patient.

I don't think.. that all people realize, what comes with having kids.

When you are going to get children, you are just not getting a child, in it self, but also a concept: Family.

I realized that today, how different people are, when it comes to having children.
It is all so focused today, in the materialistic part. The THINGS that comes with having kids.
What about the FAMILY? The bonds, activities, responsibility, love and the constant comforting feeling of always being "home", without being inside a house. Your family is your home.

Every two weekends, the "Lo-weekends", I actually get a bit sad and envious.
I see families everywhere. Doing things.
Me and Lo are a family, Lo and her dad is a family. But we are two different families.
It has always been this way, even during the time when me and her dad still lived together.
I want that. I want a complete family. And my heart is breaking just a bit, over the fact that I'm not "home" yet.
I feel that way, excluding the envious and sad part of not having someone to share the commitment with, when Lo is here. Right, 50 % of my life then. Great.

So how do you include another person to feel home with?
How do you ask another person to share a commitment with you?

I don't know. Really dont know.

Chin-chin.

It's a time, where everything actually goes in the direction I want it to.
Amazing.

The sad part in the fairytale, is that I cant really relax and enjoy it.
I'm totally convinced, that everything will back fire and I will end up totally broke, unemployed, broken hearted and with no place to go.

Except the "broke-part", everything is going really well.
I'm enjoying my job and I have Lo, the most awesoe piece of magic ever, and someone who loves me, just for me and I love back.

The financial part still hovers over me though. I'm actually had to use my credit card to be able to by breakfast this morning. It's a spiral, that never seems to end.
I'm hoping that I will eventually catch up with myself and be able to have a steady budget.
The strange about all that, is that I never shop anything for myself. Seriously.
The last time I bought something, was in february, when I needed new glasses and a jacket/coat for my job.
And yes, I'm still paying for that, thanks to creditcard.

My goal now, is that I will make through a whole month, not being able to use my credit card to by milk. Sad.

I was talking to a friend today.
The topic was "relationships".

I've heard, that some people just don't "do relationship".
What does that mean?

My believe in that way of thinking, is that one person has a perception, about how things SHOULD be (and with some negative features, I must add). Then the person(s), get their beliefs manifested, when things just don't go their way - like they said, from the get go.

Well.. Here's to you all non-relationship people out there:
Ever heard of the psycology in success?

The key, in success, is most often to understand that there isn't any specific way to "be" in a relationship. And also, believing in success, to make it, together as a couple, but also alone, as an individual. Just like in any other fields. Sports, studies, demanding carreers.

Another important thing, is to compromise.
And a third thing.. I think, is that the compromises must come, from the person without the other person not saying, directly, what the compromise must be.
I could never be with someone, that actually wants to be somewhere else.  Or feeling that he must be with me, for not making me sad, feeling gulity himself and so on. I could never ever, either say, that I WANT him to be with me, when I know that he wants to be somewhere else, or do something else.

There is too many "musts" in our life today, for me becoming another must, for the person I love.
The hard part, is to deal with it. And evaluate, carefully, if this was what I wanted.
People can't change. WE can't change people, and people can't change us.

I want someone who wants me.
Just the way I am.

That's it.
That's all I'm asking for.

I've just got to stop it.

Right now.

I did.

I finally found it. Beauty.

This time, my heart is in the right place. In fact.. Everything is in the place, that it should be.

It was horrible, actually. The feeling of having hard to breathe. That constant knot in my tummy.
How to be able to move on. How?

Well.. I did. I had to.
The "good" thing, in having a hard experience, an experience that changes your life - forever, is that you really appreciate the good, the beauty that follows. 'Cause sometime, it all has to change, to the better.

Some days, the past tries to catch up with me. And that's actually a good thing.
Why?
It's when it's hard wind, storm almost, you become aware in how firm you ground is, and how strong you are.

I have steady ground now.
I have Lo, that with my wonderful friends become my family. I have a contact now again, with my family - a contact that I haven't had for a long time. I have a  great job, a nice home and someone.. that I love and loves me back.

Finally, I have a future.
A bright sparkling future.

Can't wait.

This night I dreamed that I got fired.

Awful, just awful.

Tomorrow I have my first negoation about my job, ever.
The meeting will concern my employment, work tasks, future in the company and last but not least.. my wage.

Today I have a wage, that as below average. And quite a bit too, actually.
So tomorrow I'm going to bring it up, 'cause I am now, almost 600 euros, below average.
On top of that, I have my own car (my brothers actually - I can't afford a car right now), my own cell, which I make business calls and surf with.

I'm hoping for a raise. And better benefits.
But I love my job. And I don't want to loose it. So sure.. I'm really nervous for tomorrow.

I had two jobs, just a month ago, but I had to quit one of them (working in a restaurant).
Having two jobs and finding time to spend with Lo.. Just got too hard. o now.. I REALLY need the raise.

Well.. wish me luck.

...you will find me.

Here I am.

It is so.. That we all draw our own lines, that defines us, as persons.

At least, that is the way that it should be. If you haven't got it yet, get it now. Draw the lines, no one else will do it for you, even if it could seem to be much easier that way.

When you have the lines, then it's time to colour. 
The colouring part, we leave to others. You pick hem though... Choose carefully.
We want a fantastic, colourific piece of art. The kind of art that will make you smile, sparkle, stimulated, understand, see things brighter and make the heavy air easier to breathe.

A year ago, I had to start over. Draw my lines.
I realized, back then, others had done that for me - I had let them. And I found myself in a template, created by others. Sparkling colours, sure. But not being able to fit into the drawing, I became colourblind.

Here it is. My life, my colouring book. My colourbook.
I've come a long way, and my lines are here again. This time, drawn by me. And they fit. Perfectly.
Some days, the lines came easily. Others they where "on hold", due to growing pain. Cause I had to grow a lot, in a short amount of time.

I also choose people to colour, carefully now.
Those I have now, have the most amazing tecniques and breathtaking colours, I must say.

The best part, is when they DON'T stay within the lines though. :) That is ok, more than ok, cause the lines are still there!

Thank you, for being here, colouring.