colourbook

Time travels fast. So fast.

Today it is 6 months since I met A, for the first time.
It was the strongest of feelings, to see someone that you have built your expectations for.

The first thought that went through my head was "Oh no.. I just want this date to end, so I can go home and start to get over him. He'll never want me. He's just to good." ;)

I was wrong.

We have been together, since that day.
It's strange you could think, that we started from the first time we met, but it just felt right to do so. :)

Today I'm home, a bit sick and fatige. Been working a lot lately, maybe it's that.
I can't wait to see him, I miss him.

Today I found out that you are no longer with her.

I wish you all the best, and that you will finally find, what you are looking for.

But I can't help but wonder...
Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?

I feel SO restless.

It's hard not having anything exciting and fun to look forward to. Instead I'm trying to get the puzzle of life together, with work, money, friends and love.
Now, it seems to work quite fine actually.

But when I relax, I can feel it.. "The itch".
Don't know how to scratch back, actually, or how to make it go away. Come to think of it.. I actually don't want it to go away. I need that itch. I just need to "scratch" it, in a less.. hmm.. destructive way, than before.

In retrospect, I can see that I behaved badly. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
It was a high price to pay, not only for me, to get a hard lesson.

I just fear that my "past adventures" made my itch even heavier to get rid of. 

I need to slow down, and breathe.. and scratch... carefully.

Looking back, at the past year, almost takes my breath away.
Most people that get to hear about it gets the same reaction, actually.
Sometimes I think for a second, that maybe.. I dreamt it.

I feel lonely.
I do.
And its hard to admit it.
Especially when I'm not alone, most of the time.

I breaks me down though, when I realize that not being "single" anymore is not the same way as not being a "single mom". Cause I am. In that sense, I really am.
And that fact, is a sharp thorn in my side.

I am a "single mom" 50 % of the time, and a girlfriend the rest of the time. I find it hard to combine them.

I don't know how to make someone to want to be with me, and Lo. Cause I don't want to ask for that. I just want it to be that way. That there is an interest, in doing "family things" with us.
Together.

Maybe I'm asking for too much, too soon. But in tis matter, it's hard, being patient.

I don't think.. that all people realize, what comes with having kids.

When you are going to get children, you are just not getting a child, in it self, but also a concept: Family.

I realized that today, how different people are, when it comes to having children.
It is all so focused today, in the materialistic part. The THINGS that comes with having kids.
What about the FAMILY? The bonds, activities, responsibility, love and the constant comforting feeling of always being "home", without being inside a house. Your family is your home.

Every two weekends, the "Lo-weekends", I actually get a bit sad and envious.
I see families everywhere. Doing things.
Me and Lo are a family, Lo and her dad is a family. But we are two different families.
It has always been this way, even during the time when me and her dad still lived together.
I want that. I want a complete family. And my heart is breaking just a bit, over the fact that I'm not "home" yet.
I feel that way, excluding the envious and sad part of not having someone to share the commitment with, when Lo is here. Right, 50 % of my life then. Great.

So how do you include another person to feel home with?
How do you ask another person to share a commitment with you?

I don't know. Really dont know.

Chin-chin.

It's a time, where everything actually goes in the direction I want it to.
Amazing.

The sad part in the fairytale, is that I cant really relax and enjoy it.
I'm totally convinced, that everything will back fire and I will end up totally broke, unemployed, broken hearted and with no place to go.

Except the "broke-part", everything is going really well.
I'm enjoying my job and I have Lo, the most awesoe piece of magic ever, and someone who loves me, just for me and I love back.

The financial part still hovers over me though. I'm actually had to use my credit card to be able to by breakfast this morning. It's a spiral, that never seems to end.
I'm hoping that I will eventually catch up with myself and be able to have a steady budget.
The strange about all that, is that I never shop anything for myself. Seriously.
The last time I bought something, was in february, when I needed new glasses and a jacket/coat for my job.
And yes, I'm still paying for that, thanks to creditcard.

My goal now, is that I will make through a whole month, not being able to use my credit card to by milk. Sad.

It's funny, and painful at the same time, going back to memories.
Memories that is filled with hopes, love (?) and... bliss.
Memories that hurt you.

This weekend has been a great one, actually. But there has been something.. also bitter sweet.
This evening I realized what it was.
We can call it, the shadow of anixioty, not knowing and a completely shattered heart.

In the early morning of 4th of October, 2009, I traveled from Vasto, Italy, for the last time.
I stood in the line, of the "check in" at the airport, holding someones hand.
It was the end of a long, long fall. And the ground, coming at me at the speed of light, was... hard.

I never felt as scared, as that day.. going to sleep for 2 hours and to wake up, knowing that I would be driven to the airport, never to return.
I'm not sure.. in which part that scared me the most, though.

The fall in it self, was a thing I needed to do, to survive, actually.
Like all falls, we know that it will end one day. The impact can vary though, in how hurtful it will be.
Sometimes we have to jump, fall, break some bones and then continue bruised and broken.

Going back "home", was horrible, really it was.
Going back to that reality that was built merely on lies just cut in me.
I didn't recognize myself anymore.

How would I manage? Where should I live? Too many uncertainties.

All I knew, back then, was that I didn't really want to go back home to that. Really no.
Back to the lies, the uncertainties?

"The fall" as we can refer as my "change" in life was truly life altering.

Being naive and all... I found myself amazed (actually yes), that the person causing my fall, wasn't "there" in the way that I thought. How could something like that ever NOT be real?
Now I can tell you: It takes two, making it real. Just one person believing like that (me), isn't enough.
There is just nothing else you can do, about that.
THe "comfort" in that realization... Is that if it felt THIS good, not being real... Just imagine how it will feel, being real.

Going back to those memories today... It stings a little. Of course it does.
That "fall", is one of the most important event in my life.
And.. call me foolish, but I still keep some memories of that experience around me. Small things, just reminding me, not taking things for granted.

I decided.. That the next time.. I want it to be real.

I think I have it now, a year later.
I just have to be careful, and be patient.

I will still keep the memories. To remind me, not taking things for granted.. And not to "settle", for anything less than the real thing. To be complete. And have some one feeling that same way, with me.
Nothing less.

So.. Happy Anniversary.. or something.

 

"If a bird can't fly with a broken wing, it will have to learn to bend, where the wind blows."
And yes.. we all must go through it sometimes, and yes.. it hurts.

I am broken.
I broke, so long ago, that I can't even remember when.

I was told, for so long, that I was worthy of "so little", that I was "no good".
The hard part though.. is that when there wasn't anyone there anymore, telling me this, I started to tell myself, those words.
"You are worth nothing."
"You are no good."

I've come a long way, to hush that horrid voice, telling this.

I tell myself, instead:
"I am worth everyhting."
"I am great."

The trouble is believing it.
It seems that the beliefs is equal to the amount of time, that you have been hearing those essential words.

So, when I have good thing gong on, that horrid voice comes back.
"You are worth nothing."
"You are no good."

Now, I fight those words back, with my new voice, the good one.

I must learn patience.
I must learn to have faith in putting all the pieces together, and to be convinced that it will be a beautiful piece of art.

I must learn to bend, where the wind blows.
It's blowing.
I'm bending.
I'm flying.

I think I've done it again.

I took all my hopes, faith and love and put it in a place where I thought it would be safe.
It didn't work.

I thought I had all the pieces. Complete.
One piece was missing. An essential piece.

For the first time, yes the first time, I acually felt.. home.
I was so far far away.

I can honestly say, that I never, ever felt this way before. I never thought.. I was so close to "it".

An illusion, can be so easily misstaken. And suddenly, you find yourself in the cruelest of all places: Reality.

So.
What do I do?
What do I do, with the leftover-me?

Sunday is election day.

It's a time to take a stand, to decide, which side you are on, politically.
It's time to vote, and decide who is going to decide how Sweden is going to be, in the near future.
It comes to two sides.
One side, where you seem to be hostile towards immigrants & aganst the rights of those who aren't heterosexual, you are blue.
On the other side, you seem to be all snowed in with the environment & communist, you are red.

Is it really that simple?
That your decision should be based on which part that isn't the worst, to take stand for?

I'm basing my decison on the fact, that my daughter have the longest days in child care. She's there the earliest, and there the longest, while I'm at work.
I'm a single mom. I have to work to get by, financially.
In Lo's group, there is 21 other children. Those 22 children together is supposed to get the attention from the 3 (!) teachers that is responsible for their safety and that they get enough attention.
Mission impossible.

The blue side, have a GREAT (?) solution for the problem, of those teachers, that have a too heavy burden at school.
"Let's close it earlier. The child care."
Ok.. Then how should we do with work, when we pick them up?
"Well.. we have this law you see, that you can go down in work to only work 80 %, without risking getting laid off. Then, I guess that the parents have to take turns, in picking the children up from school."
Heh.. Right.. Then how will I find the 20% of loss in income, since I don't have anyone to help me. I'm alone you see. I can't "take turns" with anyone, like all other single moms can't.
"Well.. We are going to lower the taxes you see! So you will get motivated to get a extra job, and earn more money since the taxes woun't be that high, if you earn more. The higher the income, the lower the taxes.."

So right.. When I don't have my daughter, I should work more?
Right.
And the money they are saving in at closing early, in my expense, should go to finance the lower taxes?
Right.

You go blue.
I go red.

I was talking to a friend today.
The topic was "relationships".

I've heard, that some people just don't "do relationship".
What does that mean?

My believe in that way of thinking, is that one person has a perception, about how things SHOULD be (and with some negative features, I must add). Then the person(s), get their beliefs manifested, when things just don't go their way - like they said, from the get go.

Well.. Here's to you all non-relationship people out there:
Ever heard of the psycology in success?

The key, in success, is most often to understand that there isn't any specific way to "be" in a relationship. And also, believing in success, to make it, together as a couple, but also alone, as an individual. Just like in any other fields. Sports, studies, demanding carreers.

Another important thing, is to compromise.
And a third thing.. I think, is that the compromises must come, from the person without the other person not saying, directly, what the compromise must be.
I could never be with someone, that actually wants to be somewhere else.  Or feeling that he must be with me, for not making me sad, feeling gulity himself and so on. I could never ever, either say, that I WANT him to be with me, when I know that he wants to be somewhere else, or do something else.

There is too many "musts" in our life today, for me becoming another must, for the person I love.
The hard part, is to deal with it. And evaluate, carefully, if this was what I wanted.
People can't change. WE can't change people, and people can't change us.

I want someone who wants me.
Just the way I am.

That's it.
That's all I'm asking for.

I've just got to stop it.

Right now.

I did.

I finally found it. Beauty.

This time, my heart is in the right place. In fact.. Everything is in the place, that it should be.

It was horrible, actually. The feeling of having hard to breathe. That constant knot in my tummy.
How to be able to move on. How?

Well.. I did. I had to.
The "good" thing, in having a hard experience, an experience that changes your life - forever, is that you really appreciate the good, the beauty that follows. 'Cause sometime, it all has to change, to the better.

Some days, the past tries to catch up with me. And that's actually a good thing.
Why?
It's when it's hard wind, storm almost, you become aware in how firm you ground is, and how strong you are.

I have steady ground now.
I have Lo, that with my wonderful friends become my family. I have a contact now again, with my family - a contact that I haven't had for a long time. I have a  great job, a nice home and someone.. that I love and loves me back.

Finally, I have a future.
A bright sparkling future.

Can't wait.

This night I dreamed that I got fired.

Awful, just awful.

Tomorrow I have my first negoation about my job, ever.
The meeting will concern my employment, work tasks, future in the company and last but not least.. my wage.

Today I have a wage, that as below average. And quite a bit too, actually.
So tomorrow I'm going to bring it up, 'cause I am now, almost 600 euros, below average.
On top of that, I have my own car (my brothers actually - I can't afford a car right now), my own cell, which I make business calls and surf with.

I'm hoping for a raise. And better benefits.
But I love my job. And I don't want to loose it. So sure.. I'm really nervous for tomorrow.

I had two jobs, just a month ago, but I had to quit one of them (working in a restaurant).
Having two jobs and finding time to spend with Lo.. Just got too hard. o now.. I REALLY need the raise.

Well.. wish me luck.

...you will find me.

Here I am.