colourbook

Time travels fast. So fast.

Today it is 6 months since I met A, for the first time.
It was the strongest of feelings, to see someone that you have built your expectations for.

The first thought that went through my head was "Oh no.. I just want this date to end, so I can go home and start to get over him. He'll never want me. He's just to good." ;)

I was wrong.

We have been together, since that day.
It's strange you could think, that we started from the first time we met, but it just felt right to do so. :)

Today I'm home, a bit sick and fatige. Been working a lot lately, maybe it's that.
I can't wait to see him, I miss him.

Today I found out that you are no longer with her.

I wish you all the best, and that you will finally find, what you are looking for.

But I can't help but wonder...
Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?

It's funny, and painful at the same time, going back to memories.
Memories that is filled with hopes, love (?) and... bliss.
Memories that hurt you.

This weekend has been a great one, actually. But there has been something.. also bitter sweet.
This evening I realized what it was.
We can call it, the shadow of anixioty, not knowing and a completely shattered heart.

In the early morning of 4th of October, 2009, I traveled from Vasto, Italy, for the last time.
I stood in the line, of the "check in" at the airport, holding someones hand.
It was the end of a long, long fall. And the ground, coming at me at the speed of light, was... hard.

I never felt as scared, as that day.. going to sleep for 2 hours and to wake up, knowing that I would be driven to the airport, never to return.
I'm not sure.. in which part that scared me the most, though.

The fall in it self, was a thing I needed to do, to survive, actually.
Like all falls, we know that it will end one day. The impact can vary though, in how hurtful it will be.
Sometimes we have to jump, fall, break some bones and then continue bruised and broken.

Going back "home", was horrible, really it was.
Going back to that reality that was built merely on lies just cut in me.
I didn't recognize myself anymore.

How would I manage? Where should I live? Too many uncertainties.

All I knew, back then, was that I didn't really want to go back home to that. Really no.
Back to the lies, the uncertainties?

"The fall" as we can refer as my "change" in life was truly life altering.

Being naive and all... I found myself amazed (actually yes), that the person causing my fall, wasn't "there" in the way that I thought. How could something like that ever NOT be real?
Now I can tell you: It takes two, making it real. Just one person believing like that (me), isn't enough.
There is just nothing else you can do, about that.
THe "comfort" in that realization... Is that if it felt THIS good, not being real... Just imagine how it will feel, being real.

Going back to those memories today... It stings a little. Of course it does.
That "fall", is one of the most important event in my life.
And.. call me foolish, but I still keep some memories of that experience around me. Small things, just reminding me, not taking things for granted.

I decided.. That the next time.. I want it to be real.

I think I have it now, a year later.
I just have to be careful, and be patient.

I will still keep the memories. To remind me, not taking things for granted.. And not to "settle", for anything less than the real thing. To be complete. And have some one feeling that same way, with me.
Nothing less.

So.. Happy Anniversary.. or something.

 

"If a bird can't fly with a broken wing, it will have to learn to bend, where the wind blows."
And yes.. we all must go through it sometimes, and yes.. it hurts.

I am broken.
I broke, so long ago, that I can't even remember when.

I was told, for so long, that I was worthy of "so little", that I was "no good".
The hard part though.. is that when there wasn't anyone there anymore, telling me this, I started to tell myself, those words.
"You are worth nothing."
"You are no good."

I've come a long way, to hush that horrid voice, telling this.

I tell myself, instead:
"I am worth everyhting."
"I am great."

The trouble is believing it.
It seems that the beliefs is equal to the amount of time, that you have been hearing those essential words.

So, when I have good thing gong on, that horrid voice comes back.
"You are worth nothing."
"You are no good."

Now, I fight those words back, with my new voice, the good one.

I must learn patience.
I must learn to have faith in putting all the pieces together, and to be convinced that it will be a beautiful piece of art.

I must learn to bend, where the wind blows.
It's blowing.
I'm bending.
I'm flying.

I think I've done it again.

I took all my hopes, faith and love and put it in a place where I thought it would be safe.
It didn't work.

I thought I had all the pieces. Complete.
One piece was missing. An essential piece.

For the first time, yes the first time, I acually felt.. home.
I was so far far away.

I can honestly say, that I never, ever felt this way before. I never thought.. I was so close to "it".

An illusion, can be so easily misstaken. And suddenly, you find yourself in the cruelest of all places: Reality.

So.
What do I do?
What do I do, with the leftover-me?