Time travels.
It's funny, and painful at the same time, going back to memories.
Memories that is filled with hopes, love (?) and... bliss.
Memories that hurt you.
This weekend has been a great one, actually. But there has been something.. also bitter sweet.
This evening I realized what it was.
We can call it, the shadow of anixioty, not knowing and a completely shattered heart.
In the early morning of 4th of October, 2009, I traveled from Vasto, Italy, for the last time.
I stood in the line, of the "check in" at the airport, holding someones hand.
It was the end of a long, long fall. And the ground, coming at me at the speed of light, was... hard.
I never felt as scared, as that day.. going to sleep for 2 hours and to wake up, knowing that I would be driven to the airport, never to return.
I'm not sure.. in which part that scared me the most, though.
The fall in it self, was a thing I needed to do, to survive, actually.
Like all falls, we know that it will end one day. The impact can vary though, in how hurtful it will be.
Sometimes we have to jump, fall, break some bones and then continue bruised and broken.
Going back "home", was horrible, really it was.
Going back to that reality that was built merely on lies just cut in me.
I didn't recognize myself anymore.
How would I manage? Where should I live? Too many uncertainties.
All I knew, back then, was that I didn't really want to go back home to that. Really no.
Back to the lies, the uncertainties?
"The fall" as we can refer as my "change" in life was truly life altering.
Being naive and all... I found myself amazed (actually yes), that the person causing my fall, wasn't "there" in the way that I thought. How could something like that ever NOT be real?
Now I can tell you: It takes two, making it real. Just one person believing like that (me), isn't enough.
There is just nothing else you can do, about that.
THe "comfort" in that realization... Is that if it felt THIS good, not being real... Just imagine how it will feel, being real.
Going back to those memories today... It stings a little. Of course it does.
That "fall", is one of the most important event in my life.
And.. call me foolish, but I still keep some memories of that experience around me. Small things, just reminding me, not taking things for granted.
I decided.. That the next time.. I want it to be real.
I think I have it now, a year later.
I just have to be careful, and be patient.
I will still keep the memories. To remind me, not taking things for granted.. And not to "settle", for anything less than the real thing. To be complete. And have some one feeling that same way, with me.
Nothing less.
So.. Happy Anniversary.. or something.
Memories that is filled with hopes, love (?) and... bliss.
Memories that hurt you.
This weekend has been a great one, actually. But there has been something.. also bitter sweet.
This evening I realized what it was.
We can call it, the shadow of anixioty, not knowing and a completely shattered heart.
In the early morning of 4th of October, 2009, I traveled from Vasto, Italy, for the last time.
I stood in the line, of the "check in" at the airport, holding someones hand.
It was the end of a long, long fall. And the ground, coming at me at the speed of light, was... hard.
I never felt as scared, as that day.. going to sleep for 2 hours and to wake up, knowing that I would be driven to the airport, never to return.
I'm not sure.. in which part that scared me the most, though.
The fall in it self, was a thing I needed to do, to survive, actually.
Like all falls, we know that it will end one day. The impact can vary though, in how hurtful it will be.
Sometimes we have to jump, fall, break some bones and then continue bruised and broken.
Going back "home", was horrible, really it was.
Going back to that reality that was built merely on lies just cut in me.
I didn't recognize myself anymore.
How would I manage? Where should I live? Too many uncertainties.
All I knew, back then, was that I didn't really want to go back home to that. Really no.
Back to the lies, the uncertainties?
"The fall" as we can refer as my "change" in life was truly life altering.
Being naive and all... I found myself amazed (actually yes), that the person causing my fall, wasn't "there" in the way that I thought. How could something like that ever NOT be real?
Now I can tell you: It takes two, making it real. Just one person believing like that (me), isn't enough.
There is just nothing else you can do, about that.
THe "comfort" in that realization... Is that if it felt THIS good, not being real... Just imagine how it will feel, being real.
Going back to those memories today... It stings a little. Of course it does.
That "fall", is one of the most important event in my life.
And.. call me foolish, but I still keep some memories of that experience around me. Small things, just reminding me, not taking things for granted.
I decided.. That the next time.. I want it to be real.
I think I have it now, a year later.
I just have to be careful, and be patient.
I will still keep the memories. To remind me, not taking things for granted.. And not to "settle", for anything less than the real thing. To be complete. And have some one feeling that same way, with me.
Nothing less.
So.. Happy Anniversary.. or something.
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